PSALM 130 Out of the depths I call to you, LORD; Lord, hear my cry! May your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, LORD, keep account of sins, who can stand? But with you, Lord, is forgiveness and so you are revered.
2nd Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,l18as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal.
Christ the King 9:30 AM 6/19/2024
What am I hearing and seeing as I survey the church this morning? People who are familiar but whose names I do not know. Other people whom I do know, many of whom I consider not just friends or acquaintances but brothers and sisters. My love has grown for them incrementally over time as I have been gifted with the responsibility of service to them and from my ability to allow them to be of service to me. I am home here in a way that transcends other churches I have called home, even the Cathedral. This is the place where my adult faith began, and after 5 decades, my journey continues. From here, I sense that this may be where my journey to this side of the veil will be completed. If I could choose based on what I know now, I would choose this to be a place where death becomes resurrection. I have a place here and a purpose, and I offer those gifts to others to return to me for their own glory to God. I watch Lori greet others coming into the worship space, and her groundedness and purpose are loudly stated and plainly visible.
I love where I live. I would not choose to ever call another place home in the way I embrace it now. The birds at the feeders, the rustling of the wind through the cottonwoods, the shadows of eagles, hawks and ospreys all demand I accept them as part of the fabric of my life. The grosbeaks, hummingbirds and finches that sit on the back of the chair outside my desk window look back at me. They see me and expect that I see them and that we might connect in a way they might understand, but I do not. I don’t control destiny or outcomes, but for now, today, tomorrow and the day after that, this is where I call home, the place I return to when the need for home seeps in over my senses, leaving me searching for that place of clay and water that anchor my wandering soul.
Lori is grounded here. She has made her place, and the place is now of, and for her, it responds to her touch and her wishes. My connection to her has grown as my roots have grown deep into the soil she tends. A gift from the creator that we seek to regift with enhanced beauty and function. I don’t know where we might go or for how long we might be gone, but if we traveled by ship, this would be home port, the place to drop anchor when we have crossed over the last bar that separates home from away.
I see Jo and Liz with their children and grandchildren celebrating the liturgy together as a family, as we are called to do by the church. I wish to see their spouses, but that is not a concern for today, and it should be a concern for me if it is for them. I pray that all is well and that it is as intended for them. I grieve I will not likely ever share a pew with my children, and my granddaughter is being raised outside the knowledge of God. I grieve Brian has not returned as we have prayed, either. I have prayed for so long and so hard, and all that remains is for me to give the battle over to God and keep hope. I daily ask for forgiveness for whatever part I might have played in their abandonment of faith and I know I have been forgiven. Still, I acknowledge I may have played a part, and by asking forgiveness, I am also asking for the knowledge of what I might do to make healing amends.
I envy that Jo, Liz, and many others seated around me are a daily part of their families' lives. I am also aware that there are others here who share my sorrow of strained relationships and children who have wandered away. I pause to pray for them, for us and for all like us….
2nd Corinthians 4:16 prays, “Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
This popped up in the readings today. I did not stumble over it either when I previewed the readings or when the lector spoke the words. It was to Lori to see them and call them out to me even though she could not have known was shaking my foundation today. I have been so discouraged so profoundly, and for so long about the damage between our children and us that I scarcely have the strength to consider for more the length of time it takes me to escape the bitter hold it has on me. I see how it has wasted me, wasted us and others in the family with a clarity that makes me wonder if it is something that belongs in a painting or photograph of some other family.
I know my inner self is being renewed because I have prayed for renewal every day, and so many others have prayed with and for me. Like the fly on the wall, I can’t see the color of the world yet. I need to back away and rely on faith and trust in God to reveal what I need to know—not what I want but what I need to be my true self for the sake of every other soul I am expected to help into heaven.
For the very first time, when I pray to learn what I am supposed to learn from this tragedy that begins again every day, the notion of freedom washes over me not as a gift of its own but as a consolation for what has been taken away. If I am not to have a daily role, I can see myself as I am, someone with a more distant place, and that place does not have to be here.
I have for the past couple of years, at least, struggled with the urge to travel, to see things and experience things I have thought about all of my life but for whatever reason did not embrace or, if I have, I want to embrace them again to see places through new glasses and filter the experience through a renewed and remade heart. At first, the urge had to be called an urge to escape, to fly away from the place of constant exposure to the sandpapered relationships between us. I know that, but I also sensed there was something deeper that lay under longings. I traveled enough last year and so far this year to know that the urge to travel remains. It does not just travel for the sake of travel but peregrination, the need to seek places where there is an outpouring of the spirit meant to transform me and keep me moving along the path of discovery. To be a pilgrim might be where I am led. No, becoming a pilgrim is where I have been led.
As a Benedictine, I have learned to importance of the balance between stability, the first vow and peregrinatio, a journey of conversion. Both are places of the heart and in the spirit, but also, they are places of the earth and of time. Here I have stability. A grounded wife, a place that calls to me from the depths of the ancient rocks to the depths of my wounded heart, a faith community, friends who are calling me down a life centered in love of the created world and people who miss me when I am gone. I miss them as well, and not just my cat. Because of the stability I have been graced with, I can step into the freedom I did not wish for but will accept that it is indeed what is being presented to me through intense prayer, guidance and patience.
So what does this all mean? I am still not sure yet. As it says in the book, more shall be revealed. I believe I have been gifted with charisms that I have only partially opened up. I have spent 10 years writing, reading, praying, reflecting, meditating and contemplating, and I sense I have honed the ability to observe and share what I have encountered. In the past year I have been exposed to nature journaling that allows me to dig deeply into the world around me and to illustrate the connections that surround me as if I were a meatball in a bowl of spaghetti.
I sit here today as the middle of the recent and future generations of my family. The story of humanity runs through my bloodlines: the graces and blessings of God, the sorrows and hurts of dysfunction and tragedy. They all exist in me, and I am called to, in some unfocused way, give a voice to them so that they and the places they lived will not be completely lost to the dust of history. I don’t know what all that means, but I suspect more will come.
None of this would be possible if I did not come to believe and to have complete trust in what comes to me regardless of what it might reveal is coming from God and he is inviting me to do his way. He is calling me out to live where healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation all await. I finally believe I can step into the unknown thresholds and pass through with God’s grace, but there will always be safe passage back to places I belong and the people to whom I belong.
There is more. I can’t continue to remain in place, trapped by belongings and material things that have always been my fool’s gold. Every day more and more that I possess seems to be less and less important, and they stand in the way of my relationship with myself, God and Lori. This is difficult, but this is a time I have to do the hard thing, in many ways, the same as when I jumped into the pool of recovery and found myself carried over the falls into a maelstrom that settled into a promising new life. Addiction in any form cannot be tolerated. There can be no saving something back in case I need it someday. I have what I need. I have more than I need, and when it comes time to accept that I need something more, the clarity of the need will be evident. I long to laugh at the candy and pastries I see as I wander through the store to fruit and vegetables.
The words here are mine in that they came from inside me through my fingers to the screen, where they will be seen before being stored away to be reflected on another time and by other people. The ideas, concepts, descriptions and observations did not originate from inside me. They came through the grace of the Holy Spirit that came to me when invited, but in ways I never ever would have expected. I am just now beginning to see how the spirit has been moving in me for over a year - even longer. Perhaps for my lifetime. I won’t go down that rabbit hole today.
In truth, I think I would prefer to have things come the easy way. I would like to just sit on my deck on a pleasant day and do whatever strikes me as being fun that day. I know that without struggle and investment, joy cannot be encountered. I trust that others with whom I share this and what else is to come will provide me with the experience of knowing what is of the spirit and what is from my untrustworthy self I pray for the ability to accept, embrace and be grateful for everything that is to come my way.
Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Thy faithful and kindle in them the fire of Thy love. Send forth Thy Spirit and they shall be created. And Thou shalt renew the face of the earth. Let us pray.
Be with me, oh Holy Spirit, connect me to the power, love and grace of the Father and the son.